Troy's Letter to His Dad in '87

6/16/87

Dear Dad

I’m starting out writing this letter to you, not knowing exactly what I want to say it. Last night, we received Justin’s coatrack (which by the way is beautiful). We also got a copy of Race’s speech, which I read. Today, I read it again. It moved me. Not so much as its content but it inspired me to look back over my younger years and think about how I felt about my Father.

Early in my twenties, when I felt I made some bad decisions, I often held think sessions with myself. Searching for my values, I often thought of you and mom. Who am I? This was a question I always asked myself. I usually came to the conclusion that I was made up of 75% mom and 25% dad which resulted in 100% me. I accepted this for the longest time. Quite frankly, until today.

After reading Race’s speech, I feel differently. I don’t usually spend much time thinking back. I constantly press ahead. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow is another day. Today, I searched my memories to formulate exactly how I feel about you. I would have to agree with Race’s opinion, that I knew mom better than I did you. Mom was always more outspoken. She had an opinion on everything. It was impossible not to know her. For you those things did not seem so important. It didn’t matter so much as how you felt about it as it did for how I felt about it. I guess I kind of took you for granted: Little League, Basketball, Motorcycles, cars, Hours and hours of service for others. When I used to contemplate what the consequences would be for something I was thinking of doing, your feelings  often did not get weighed in as a consequence. When you and mom had THAT extended period of disagreement, I often felt, “What happened to dad.”, “He’s falling apart.” Now I realize that you were opening up and expressing some of your feelings to us. That was unusual and I don’t think I was as sensitive as I could have been. I know an apology isn’t necessary, but I am compelled to apologize for these things. I think back now and say what are some of the things that I have done specifically for my dad. Dad, I can’t find anything specific. This upsets me very much. How could I have been so selfish. I realize that it wasn’t that important to you. It was more important to you that we understood what individuality meant. But I can’t help feel that what drove you to impress this upon us was the fact that that opportunity was not given to you when you were growing up. A change was necessary and sacrifices were made. I never realized this.

Dad, I underestimated the make-up of “me”.  I think I am more like you than I had thought. I think we share most of the same values and methods but I also have a lot of mom’s qualities. Mainly her arrogance. t think I am who I am because I was driven not by my rotten childhood but because of my individuality and my parents determination and good will. I will hold these feelings special to my heart for the rest of my life and I hope I can relay these feelings to Justin so he can carry the same pride as I do and pass it on until someday in the future some historian will trace back through the generations to find the key that made the Dowling name special and come up with the names William Race and Margaret Jane.

I love you more than I can say!